// Thought about life today.//

I thought about life today, the life that never was, the life that never will be.

You cross my mind with such frequency lately, not because I miss you or I wonder how you are doing but because summer is coming and we spent a great one together. One summer amongst the other miscellaneous seasons we floated in and out of our paths. The time I spent with you changed the way I looked at life entirely. I spent one great summer, denying love. Denying life could contain us. You enabled me to know love and then you set me free. I know love because of you. I trust in others because of you.

The words that once seemed to fall out of your mouth like saliva from a dog, that weighed heavy on my soul, now find peace in my heart. I have taken those words and triumphed over them and now I hold them dear. I hold them close. I will never allow myself to make someone feel about me how you felt about me.

You “won’t become a victim of my experience” but I’m certainly joyed I found the man who would. He breathed life into my soul, a place I’d never allow you to go. Together we created life and for that he gave me life, something you just can’t do.

I thank you for that summer and the life that never was. The memories that never will be and the time I’d never give back. I continue to live without regret, I only learn and move forward. Thank you for the valuable experience.

// A recent phone call to my grandmother//

In the midst of our conversation about her health, needs, and various other topics; my grandmother just pauses and says, “Amberr, can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer but…” I find it hard to imagine what she might want to know considering this is about half an hour into our phone call and we’ve gone over just about half of our grievances and complaining about nonsense. I responded to her with a “Sure, anything.” I can’t imagine she would ask anything that I would be ashamed to answer.

Gram (what I call her) asks, “Why Boston, I mean why did you move there?”

I responded with a simple it just feels like home and it does.

I’ve been pondering this on and off all day, in between stepping and cleaning up Cheerios. I think that its more than a simple it feels like home, but it’s where life began for me.

• I tested my every fear here and I found my strength in myself and gave my heart to another human being.
• This place is where my love for life was born and where I truly felt free from the addictiveness of my past and my dependency on people who used me.
• I found myself here.
• I found my love for art again.
• I found out how much I didn’t need to be high. How life was enough of a stimulant for me.
• I conquered enough of Corporate America to know I could be stifled in a cubicle.
• I found my love for my business.
• I found out how strong I really was.
• I was able to be vulnerable to love and life at the same time.
• I let myself depend on someone who hasn’t let me down.
• I found a man who gives me butterflies.
• I made the best parts of my life in this place.
• I found out who really mattered in my life.
• I became a mom here.
• I finally felt at home.

I think the moment I referred to this place as home was the moment I knew no where else would ever feel like this. Time changes and so will I and I can’t imagine how amazing the future will be for us but for now there is no other place on this planet that will feel like this for me. Recently I moved back to my home town for a little over a year and couldn’t wait to move back home.

You might not know it when you see it but you will definitely know it when you feel it. It feels like it. Feels like home.

// I forgot who I was talking to.//

SO in my ocd type moment, surrounded by toys, food, dirty dishes and kids galore. I ask the kids to start picking up the snack that has apparently missed there mouths and trailed across my kitchen floor, the comply. Brooms apparently caused sword fighting, but no black eyes and I can walk to the fridge without crunching. Victorious. They both come and let me know the job has been completed. 

Children without a task either find something to make a bigger mess or literally run in circles, or that’s what they do here. Circles, screaming, boom, cries… okay only head bumped.

I walk into my bathroom and my son has brought in his shopping cart, cars and his pirate hat, so I again tell them to come get all this stuff out and put it away. They comply with little to no resistance, but my son and his two year old-ness feel the need to let out a sign to let me know how he feels about taking his things out the bathroom. I ignore this. Again upon completion of the task, they feel the need shout “Amberr I’m done!”, shout is putting it mildly.

My play room is a disaster so I ask them again to clean it, both sigh, task gets completed, blah blah blah… They again feel the need to inform me of something I can clearly see, not to mention I’m sitting six or so feet from them, that they are finished in their not so indoor voices. “We’re done, its all clean” to which I reply, “Ugh what you want a cookie?” and they of course reply “uh-huh” with a sort of confused look on their faces.

I forgot who I was talking to. I need more sleep.

// Love//

I don’t think I ever imagined myself in love. Not lust, love. Enamored. So hard to believe that when you love someone or something you put your whole heart, your soul into them/it.

When you love someone, you essentially give them your heart. They can run it over in a car, some people don’t realize how precious such a gift is.

I thought I was in love with the man I married, and I was. That said, our love is nothing compared to the love I have for my children. My heart beats for them. Some nights I wake just to stare at them. They are by far my greatest loves and my greatest works of art. I have put all of my in them, I have carried them inside my body and now I carry them on my shoulders and in my spirit. Everything in my life now in some way small or great revolves around the well being of two people under four feet tall. Little miracles that God gave me.

I think life has a odd way of coming full circle when you least expect it. I thought ten years ago the person I am today didn’t exist. I never thought I would know who I am, what I want and be able to share everything with the world.

// Le sigh… Kids just take it all outta me…//

I swear I’m gonna start a blog “Sh*t my kids say” lol.

So technically she’s not mine, but she eats, cleans and naps here so close enough.

Kiah, age 4, attitude of 25, knows everything (she said so).

We’re eating lunch. Ares announces his batteries died to his video game.

Ares: My batteries to my game…is is is is dead.
Kiah: Jesus is dead too.
Me: Really Kiah, how do you know? (i’m a sucker for asking questions to little kids)
Kiah: My Nini told me.
Me: Oh, do you know how he dies?
Kiah: Ummm, yea, they shot him.
Me: (trying really hard not to laugh) Who shot him?
Kiah: I don’t know but his dad was sad.

lol, I tried to explain to her why he died and that no one shot him but its apparently nothing she is interested in.